Sexual fantasies: nothing to be ashamed of, even if they go against your principles

Van de Lande is a researcher at the Erasmus Love Lab. The research group focuses on topics such as love, sex and relationships and exists exactly four years. Sexual fantasies and pornography are research topics they deal with, among others

What is a sexual fantasy?

'Sexually arousing mental images that can arise spontaneously while daydreaming on the train or be consciously evoked and manipulated by you. That is the meaning. In science, we see three different stages: fantasy, desire and behaviour. You see, fantasies are something different from desires. Desires are wanting to perform and behaviour is actually performing. Research shows that most fantasies do not lead to behaviour at all.'

Where do they come from?

'From sociology, we know that we are taught them. Through upbringing, we acquire certain ideas that are then reflected in our fantasies. We call these sexual scripts. People often think their fantasies are unique and personal. But it is less individual than we think,' says the sociologist.

'Think about gender roles. These are also reflected in your fantasies. Men more often take an active role in their fantasies. And women more often a passive role. There is a lot of influence there from cultural norms we are taught in our lives.'

Do you see differences between countries?

'Research shows that in Asian cultures, fantasies tend to be more subtle, focusing on kissing and cuddling, while more explicit themes are more common in North America and Europe. Cultural manners and ideas that prevail within a country or continent also seep into our personal fantasies.'

Bio
Lena van de Lande is a sociologist. She works as an academic lecturer and researcher. At the bachelors of sociology and public administration, she teaches several courses, such as Culture and Identity, City and Migration and Introduction to Sociology.  Her research at the Love Lab is about sexual fantasies and the stereotypes within porn, why people like them or dislike them. The insights from research at the Love Lab help us better understand how intimate relationships, love and sexuality contribute to the physical, mental and social well-being, of both young people and adults.

It is striking that in your research, women in particular prefer gender-stereotyping porn - how do you explain that?

'Gender stereotypes in porn touch on broader gender roles. These have a long history and persist because people internalise them. Again, these gender roles are learned through upbringing. So it is not surprising that women too can have a preference for these.’

'At Lowlands, many women also told me that they really feel feminist, but in their fantasies they often think of a woman in a submissive role. As I mentioned earlier, a fantasy is not necessarily something you actually want to do. They are separate from reality. It doesn't necessarily result in a desire or behaviour.'

How do you see the link between porn and sexual fantasies?

'It's like the chicken-and-egg conundrum. Which came first? Porn or fantasy? It works both ways here. Porn is a breeding ground for fantasies. You get ideas from it and then think about them while fantasising. And vice versa, porn is also made because there is a demand for certain fantasies.'

'An example is the category: stepfather and stepmother. That category emerged only when there were more divorces in society. There were more composite families, and as a result, more porn was made about that. Porn is thus a reflection of the wider society.'

What are consequences of sexual fantasies?

'Research shows that a fantasy is not directly something you actually want to do. Fantasising can also be harmless. Nothing to be ashamed of. Still, it can be good to stop and think about the stereotypes you bring into your fantasies. After all, gender stereotypes are often a reflection of wider social inequalities between men and women. At the same time, I also know that fantasising, especially in women, helps to get into a state of sexual arousal. So in the light of the orgasm gap between men and women: keep fantasising.'