It's Valentine's Day. Once again we will have romantic dinners, buy flowers or write a sweet card in large numbers. In the search for love, we often go big. But how do you find the right one? And are we doing it the right way? Family sociologist Pearl Dykstra and cultural researcher Samira van Bohemen provide insight into the search for one's love match.
Everything has to be perfect
Both researchers agree that the search for love in recent years is hampered by one aspect: perfection. The pressure to find the perfect partner is enormous. “The desire for perfection can be seen everywhere in society. You have to have fun holidays, interesting hobbies, a nice group of friends and also the perfect partner. A man must be 10 centimeters taller, have it all together and also be a good conversationalist. Let's be honest, such a person is hard to find. No one is perfect and a partner is not either,” says Samira van Bohemen, a researcher specialized in cultural and identity issues.
Sociologist Pearl Dykstra, specialising in intergenerational relationships, states that expectations must be tempered. “Expectations of the other, but also of yourself. That is an important step. The chance of finding the perfect partner who scores high on all characteristics is small and the chance is even smaller that that person also likes you. It's just a matter of luck.”
More exciting with whom you have a relationship
Previously, it was already established with what kind of person you would have a relationship. That's now very different. “You see that relationships are increasingly a personal choice. With whom you have a relationship is no longer so self-evident. In the past, that was influenced by your surroundings, such as the church. Now it's more of an individual search. Online dating apps play a big role in this. It's really about the individual you're looking for and not about the context of the other. It matters less whether someone comes from the same environment," says Samira.
The beautiful thing about this is that the lines in society are becoming less strict. You meet many people from outside your own cultural environment more easily. Pearl Dykstra: "Relationships used to be more homogeneous. White with white, Catholic with Catholic and practically educated with practically educated. With the rise of relationships via the internet, we see that age differences are greater and the chance is greater that you will date someone from a completely different social group."
Ideal Image Remains Persistent
Despite changes in society, finding the right person remains the ideal image. According to Samira, the true one should be a little exciting, but not too exciting. "You want to feel comfortable, safe, and comfortable with someone. Yet there must be excitement. That's still a search."
Samira has done a lot of research on young people and relationships, especially on how young people view good sex. This shows that young people attach great importance to the relationship with the other person. "According to young people, good sex is a mutual experience. It should be a moment where you can let go of everything and have fun. This should apply to both people, something that unleashes it together. This usually doesn't work with a 'one night stand,' but rather with a partner who you know well. It then also appears that many young people are looking for that one person. Nine out of ten times this was also about a stable relationship. That remains the ideal image."
Pearl Dykstra: "People still find it strange when you deviate from the standard. You see that in single people who are asked if they have found someone. On the other hand, you see more acceptance: 'It's fine if someone is single, as long as I'm not.' There is a difference between how people look at and accept others, and what they want for themselves. These are changing norms."
"People still find it strange when you deviate from the standard. You see that in single people who are asked if they have found someone"
Pearl Dykstra
Family sociologist
Who stays alone?
Due to individualisation and changes in society, you can also choose a different relationship form or to remain single. In the past, there were two groups that had the greatest chance of staying alone: women with a university degree and men who were practical skilled. This pattern still exists, but a new group has emerged: men with a successful career. "Actually, this is the most attractive group," says Pearl. "In Dutch data, we have seen that the chance of staying alone has increased for this group. We think this is because women are more likely to look for a different type of man. They want someone who also helps with household chores and is not a career hunter. Men with a good job still have a good chance of finding a partner, but we saw this chance decrease slightly."
According to Samira, you also see changes within relationships because women have started working more. Dependence on the other is no longer necessary. "This leads to more equality within relationships. Both parties therefore have to do their best because neither is dependent on the other. The traditional division of roles within relationships is quite persistent, but you see shifts."
"The traditional division of roles within relationships is quite persistent, but you see shifts"
Samira van Bohemen
Culture researcher
"It's not easy to be alone. You have to shape your own life," says Pearl. "If you want to do something fun, you have to take care of it yourself. Otherwise, nothing will happen. That takes energy. A friend may happen to call you to do something fun. They only do that if you are yourself a fun person. That's also true in the search for the right person. Make sure you are a pleasant person to be with. Make sure you have all the qualities you are looking for in another person and adjust your expectations. Then you will find it much faster."
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