For a researcher, what does it mean to be friends with your interviewees on social media? This question has been haunting me for a while. Recently, it came to my mind again when I saw a status posted by my interviewee Fan on Douban, a Chinese social media where anonymous users post statuses about their lives, gather in discussion groups according to the topics they are interested in, and, most of all, share their comments on books, music, movies and TV shows. Although not specifically targeted at LGBTQ users, Douban has become very popular among urban elite gay men who want to find like-minded gay friends, or even boyfriends. Doing research on how Chinese gay men use mobile dating apps, I have been told by many interviewees that Douban is actually their most valued “dating platform”.
Fan proposed to add me as a friend on Douban when our interview was coming to an end. I agreed, because I enjoyed our conversation and had a good impression of him. What impressed me most were his answers to my questions that whether he took some measures to stay in control when he got to know that his ex-boyfriend was using dating apps while they were still together, and whether he feared the loneliness of being single. He said he didn’t interfere at all with ex-boyfriend’s dating app use, because he knew there were many things he couldn’t control, not only in a relationship, but also in many aspects of life. He used the concept “徒劳” (tu lao: futile effort) that has been repeatedly articulated in the East Asian literature and classics, saying that many things in life simply end in vain. He had taken the lesson from his past experience, such as being deserted by his best friend at a most vulnerable moment without knowing why. Therefore, he would just settle for what he can get, and not fight for the things that he is destined to lose. Single or not, he would simply enjoy his life.
His answers were not only what I needed for my research, but also what I hoped to find for the puzzles in my own life. Four months ago, I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, putting an end to this 2-year relationship, the longest one I ever had. Fearing of singlehood, I had forced myself to put up with a serious mistake made by my ex-boyfriend and tried many ways to prolong this broken relationship, until he made it clear enough that he would not care about my feelings anymore. Fan’s answers confirmed the theory I extracted from my own sad story: you cannot control everything in your life. In my eyes, Fan seemed to be wiser and calmer than me in the similar situation. I admired his “coolness” and the emotional resilience behind that.
I wouldn’t have seen beyond this cool image of him if it wasn’t for the status he posted on Douban. The picture attached to that status is a still frame from a hit Chinese TV show Ruyi’s Royal Love in the Palace, which I happened to be watching. The main roles in the show, based on real historical figures in Qing dynasty, are a Chinese emperor and his empress. In the imperial era, an emperor could have one empress and many concubines in his harem. This show tells a sad story about how the emperor and the empress, who used to love each other deeply, gradually drift apart from each other in the harem politics of one man and many women, which are driven by jealousy, suspicion, voracity, and conspiracy. In the still frame shared by Fan, the empress is looking up to the raining sky with tears in her eyes, realizing that the emperor is no longer the man she used to love. Fan said in his status:
“Today the trailer showed this scene, which was marvelous. It made me think: if I still have a chance to meet someone who I can fall in love with, I will hold him and cry. I will cry for the grievance and disappointment I’ve suffered, for my unexposed reluctance to ‘let it go’ and my unspoken apologies, and for every unfulfilled dream of ‘being together every morning and night’ and ‘I will never leave nor forsake you’. However, tears are not so welcome in a love story. I’m not a lucky person. All I can do is to be a good audience member and give my sincere applause.”
Fan’s status deeply touched me. I forwarded it on my own Douban page, since what he said was exactly what I felt. But on the other hand, as a researcher, I was allowed by his status to sneak a peek at the softest part of his heart, which he didn’t reveal during the interview. Despite his thoughts about “futile effort”, he still craves for love and intimacy. He is still waiting to meet someone with whom he can entrust with his vulnerability, from whom he can get emotional comfort. Nevertheless, in the interview he narrated his past experience with a Buddhist-like emotional detachment, so that he could negotiate the currently unbridgeable gap between singlehood and his desire for love. It is being friends with him on Douban that allows me to know more about his subtle feelings, which I couldn’t have known well simply through a one-hour interview.
Fan was not the only interviewee who added me as a friend on Douban. Chong, who was too shy to provide a detailed account of his love story in the interview, has written a lot on Douban about his “secret desires”, such as his dreams of unconventional sexual behaviors, which he even daren’t share with his boyfriend. Only through his statuses I got to know how emotionally suppressed he was in his romantic relationship, which he didn’t report in the interview.
However, being friends on Douban also blurs the boundary between me and my interviewees, and create unexpected situations where ethical concerns may arise. In January this year, I went back to Beijing and posted a status about my journey. An interviewee with whom I interacted frequently on Douban saw it and asked me out for a dinner. After that, he drove a car and showed me around some places. In the halfway, he pulled over in front of a hotel and asked me if I would like to have a drink in the lobby. I may have over-interpreted, but the ethical alarm suddenly sounded in my mind. I politely turned down his suggestion, and we continued driving around in the city.
To reflect on my experiences, being friends with interviewees on social media causes context collapse. Neither my interviewees nor I can simply stick to the role assigned by my research. I’ve got to know more about their lives as a friend; they deem me someone emotionally—maybe even physically—approachable. Navigating my relationships with them has become an unavoidable challenge for me. I’m still exploring this uncharted territory, either as a researcher or as their social media friend.
Shangwei Wu is a PhD candidate in the Department of Media & Communication at Erasmus School of History, Culture and Communication. With Prof. Susanne Janssen and Dr. Janelle Ward respectively being his promotor and co-promotor, Shangwei studies Chinese gay men's dating app use. Specifically, he is interested in the mutual shaping between dating app use and Chinese gay men's social relationships.